J.J. Putz

New York Mets eighth-inning guy J.J. Putz was ostensibly brought in to shore up the team's swiss-cheese bullpen, which arguably cost them the division last year. But his contribution to the team's shitty facial hair factor can't be denied.

Like most major leaguers, Putz came up from the minors clean-shaven. What is it about the big leagues that inspires so many errors in shaving judgment?

Trouble began almost immediately, as success went right to Little J.J.'s head... and chin. Before you could say "two bits", the Putzter had cultivated a strange orange triangle below his mouth. To distract and confuse opposing batters, perhaps?

The Mariners organisation not only tolerated J.J.'s newfound grooming habits, they even went so far as to embrace and encourage them! On 12 April 2008, the team hosted "J.J. Putz Soul Patch Night", giving away stick-on tumbleweeds of orange lint to the first 20,000 suckers to walk through their gates. As though there were something soulful about walking around with a vagina stuck to one's face.

J.J. was surely flattered by the gesture, but not flattered enough to turn down New York money when the Mets came calling in the offseason. At his introductory press conference, he promised to solidify the Mets' bullpen by teaching the other relievers to miss large patches of their faces when shaving. And for the most part, he has fulfilled that promise whenever the Mets are not playing the Marlins.

J.J. celebrated his riches with his decision to keep his fiery little trademark for the duration of the World Baseball Classic, thus embarrassing the United States on the world stage for all to see.

That's OK, J.J.! No one watches the WBC anyway! All is forgiven.