Scott Eyre

Submitted for your consideration: Philadelphia Phillies LOOGY Scott Eyre, he of the 10.80 ERA, he of the four walks issued thus far in 3.1 innings of work, the man responsible for turning Jamie Moyer's hard-earned W yesterday into a ND by pegging Carlos Beltran in the foot. Why, you may ask, does Mr. Eyre look as though he ought to be scrubbing the hard-to-reach corners of crusted cooking pots in the back of a restaurant somewhere with his face?

It wasn't always this way. As a young pup, little Scotty eagerly worked his way up to the Rangers with a smooth visage that perfectly complemented his can-do spirit.

Our troubles began in San Francisco, where Scotty seems to have first misplaced the ol' Mach 3. This is also where he appears to have stopped missing meals, and the two may be related. Are we hiding our second chin behind a forest of face-pubes, Scotty?

It was during his two-year sojourn to the north side of Chicago that someone finally reached out. Wise and benevolent Lou Piniella took our Scotty under his wing and attempted to talk him out of his deepening spiral of facial shame. "We can help you, Scotty," intoned the soothing voice of Sweet Lou. "It's never too late to start over. And maybe take a pass on dessert now and then."

Alas, the problem only worsened. Aware of the mounting horrors beneath his lower lip, Scotty took to hiding his chin behind his mitt, denying to those around him that he had a problem. Friends, teammates, loved ones looked into his glazed, skittering eyes and knew otherwise.

Which brings us to today's sorry state. The beard sprouts ever thicker, the tangled mass shows no remorse, and Scotty stands alone upon the mound, his cry for help there for all to see.

Scott Eyre: the goatee that inspired a blog.